From 1% to Chance to 100% Miracle

I haven’t written on here in over a year. On one hand I’m glad. It has been a very dark season of our life that has ended, if just for that year. Joy has come back to our life.   I thought this week being Infertility Awareness Week, would be a good time to share with people how we went from having a 1% chance of getting pregnant to having a 100% miracle baby!

To begin where we left off. We had gone through a second round of IVF in the Fall of 2015. When that failed I couldn’t emotionally think about possible doing another. When I left the Doctor’s office at or 2 week follow up he looked at me and my mom and said there is nothing to be done. Nothing would make the quality of my eggs any better and nothing would raise Cory’s numbers. We were truly left with no hope of having kids of our own. After being, physically, mentally, and emotionally worn down, I was ready to just take a break. My mom was stopping at nothing less than finding a way for us to get what our hearts so desired. Isn’t that what mom’s do? They would go to the greatest of lengths to make sure their kids don’t suffer or hurt. So after several natural remedies of our own, she got referred by my aunt and cousin to a naturopath. They focus on how to get the body to work and stable itself and allow it to do what it is supposed to do. We both started seeing him around the beginning of December.

I left in January and traveled for pretty much a month straight. When I came back, I was just fed up with Dr. appts. I was struggling big time and a lot of it was doubt. There was no way this guy was going to fix, what the doctors told us was impossible. Cory encouraged me to stick with it for at least a couple more months. At this point I’m taking my temperature every morning. We were both on dozens of supplements taking anywhere from 20-25 pills a day! If I never swallow another pill in my life, I’ll be the happiest person alive. So February and most of March went by. I mourned the day that signified the day we found out our first IVF failed.

At the end of March I left again on another trip. My first flight I was flying CLE to JFK. Cory was supposed to be having an appt to have his levels checked again, to see if the supplements were doing what they were supposed to be doing. While on my flight to JFK I wrote a note on my phone that I still have saved. It says “Cory’s test are today, I have an overwhelming amount of peace that his counts have improved. I feel God’s hand in mine saying it won’t be much longer.” That was on March 28th 2016. When I landed in JFK my heart raced as I called him to find out what the doctor had said. His counts came back, they not only improved, they improved exponentially! He went from less than a million to over 9 million in 3 months! How’s that for not being able to increase numbers! I got on my flight and could not contain my excitement!

The doctor put Cory on another supplement that was really supposed to boost Testosterone. (These are all natural, whole food supplements by the way. No steroids). I returned home and little did we know it we were pregnant about 2 weeks later! April went by and I was seriously considering adoption. Even though his numbers were up, I still had my doubts that this was all going to actually work. For one thing my eggs were supposed to be too old, so there’s that factor that I didn’t know if it had improved or not. At the beginning of May, my dad and I had traveled to Amsterdam. We were running through the Detroit airport and I remember not being able to keep up with him, and I thought to myself, “Am I pregnant?” After that I didn’t think anything of it.

Then came May 4th. The darkest day I think it has ever gotten over the past 3 years. We got a call that Cory’s brother in sister in law had gotten the call that another baby needed a home. This would be their fourth and the brother to two they already had. While I wanted to be excited for them I absolutely fell apart. It was the lowest of the low. I had some very very dark thoughts and I honestly wanted life to be over. I remember telling Cory through sobs that I just wanted to die. It was the only way I saw this pain going away. I couldn’t go on another day yearning for a child. Guess what? God knew. I fought to the absolute last day I could handle the storm He had taken us through and He knew I couldn’t keep going.

May 5th. My awesome husband stops in to check in on me to see how I’m doing. I was doing everything to keep busy. I knew I couldn’t be home alone in my grief. One of the “treatments” with our new doctor was for me to take my temperature every morning to track my cycle and hormones. It’s crazy that you can see if your hormones are where they are supposed to be, just by where your temperature is at on a chart through your cycle. So at the end of your cycle if you temperature goes down, you are going to start again. If your temperature goes up, you are pregnant! Crazy right? The science behind the human body is fascinating. So when I took my temperature that morning it had gone up. I knew I was supposed to be starting soon based on the chart and it was mother’s day weekend. I had already prepped my husband that I was hiding from the world the whole weekend. I thought nothing of my temperature rising, I once again doubted that this would ever work. I was afraid of getting my hopes up once again. For some reason I felt I needed to just check. I stopped, got a pregnancy test and took it. I was actually on the phone with my sister in law as I waited for the results because I was positive that it would read negative just like all the ones before it had.

Slowly but surely those two pink lines showed up and my heart about fell out of my chest. I blurted out to my sister in law that I thought I was pregnant, sent her a picture and she confirmed she saw the lines too! I called Cory right away, I couldn’t contain the excitement. He hurried to Target from work so we could get more tests. We had to make sure this was definite. After taking several that showed up positive each time we knew it had to be! But in the joys that infertility brings, we couldn’t let ourselves get excited before it was proven. We went to our Fertility Dr. on Saturday and had the blood work drawn. On Sunday, Mother’s day of all days, they confirmed it with words we will never forget, “You are definitely pregnant.” God knew. He knew this whole time that he would give me the greatest gifts on what had become one of the hardest days. The hardest day, became the most joyful, and we got to share that happiness the rest of the day with all of our family. That is the story of our miracle baby.

We continue to see our naturopath still. I actually attribute how easy my pregnancy was due to the supplements he had me on. I wanted to share for the people who are going through the storm of infertility. It is an unforgiving journey, filled with hurt, loss and the longing desire for a child. Don’t give up hope. Don’t let someone tell you there is no other option just because they have a degree in medicine. I do not say any of this against the medical field or against our fertility doctors. They were amazing and they were sharing with us what they know. However, they study medicine. They do not study health. If your body is not healthy, how do you expect it to function correctly. Instead of treating a symptom, why not find the problem and treat it. There is a whole different approach to fertility treatments and I’d love to sit down and talk with anyone that wants to discover the natural medicine side to conceiving.

We are so grateful for the prayers and support from our family and friends over the past 3 years. We know this journey may not be completely over for us as we continue to build our family, but we know what God is capable of and we don’t lose hope. This is our story of how he turned ashes in to beauty. How he led us through a very painful dark storm and saw us through.

From this storm, came one of the happiest kids I have ever seen. I still tear up just looking at him thinking, “You beat the odds kid, you did it!” 4 months later and we are still meeting people that come up to us and say, “We prayed for you over the last 3 years, and we prayed for this little boy’s life.” His life was covered in prayer before he was even created and you have no idea what that does to a mother’s heart. I’m an emotional mess even thinking about it all. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions about our infertility journey or how to get in contact with the naturopathic doctor we saw. He does long distance appts. 😉

Thanks again!

Ender Matthew Miller. His name means Very Rare Gift from God, and it suits him perfectly!

 

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Heading in to year 3

We have begun year 3 of this infertility journey. In the grand scheme of it all it doesn’t seem like a lot of time. Some days it feels like only weeks have gone by and other times it feels like an eternity. After two failed IUI treatments, and two full rounds of IVF I can honestly say I’m tired and I’m worn. There have been small waves of hope, only to be met by a hurricane of disappointment. It is by God’s grace and goodness that we have survived the bad days. For me personally there have been many days I’ve wanted to give up completely. Through the past 2 years I’ve learned that I do not deserve what I desire and that is a hard pill to swallow. I’ve come to the realization that many people feel you marry to have kids and when that doesn’t work there’s nothing left. I’ve always been bothered when people say the greatest day of their life was when they had their kids. Although I have not experienced that yet, I truly believe that when that day does come it will be a close second to the day I married Cory. Without my wedding day my children would not exist, All twelve that we created and the 11 we never got to hold (I’m holding out a lot of hope for our frozen embryo). If I’ve learned one thing these past 2 years, it is that he will forever be my number 1. And if there is a world where we do not have children I can accept that I will be just as happy as long as he is by my side.

2 years feels like a long time, for us it has passed in segments.

7 months of trying on our own

4 months of fertility vists/tests

2 months of IUI’s

2 months of the first IVF

5 months of a break

2 months of the second IVF

The last 3 months of seeking different treatment.

The last blog I posted was about the disappointment of our last failed IVF cycle. Let me bring you up to speed on where we are today and where we were August 2015. At the beginning of August we talked about the possibility of doing the transfer of our frozen embryo. After speaking with our Doctor we learned that the percentage of the frozen embryo taking would be about 20%. We were pretty devastated because we thought the percentage would be higher due to the fact that it is already at a blastocyst stage as well as we have heard that frozen embryos tend to take better. At the time we weren’t telling anybody what we were doing except one person. After my appointment I called and talked with our friend and after reviewing our odds as well as options, Cory and I decided it made more sense to do a full round of IVF in hopes of retrieving more eggs for freezing. We called the doctor and waited for the right timing. At the beginning of September I began treatments and everything seemed to be going well. Our doctors wanted to give me more medication in hopes that I would produce more quality eggs than I had the first time. Follistim is the injection that allows you to produce more eggs than you normally would. The first round I was on 75mg so they bumped me up to 125mg, keeping in mind that at 23 I’m supposed to be pretty fertile. After several ultrasounds they discovered my body was not reacting to the medicine like they wanted so they bumped me up to 200mg for the last couple of days. At one of my final ultrasounds they saw 12 follicles which they were happy with. As we waited for the word for when the day of retrieval would be, we got a call that Cory’s grandmother had passed away suddenly. After a month of keeping everything a secret we were afraid we would have to explain our situation if our retrieval or transfer were to interfere with funeral arrangements. We waited in anticipation to learn that our retrieval date fell on the date of grandma Miller’s calling hours. With the funeral being the next day we decided to continue to keep everything a secret since neither procedure would overlap time we needed to be with family. We arrived at the doctor’s office on Thursday morning and went through the motions like we had the first time. This time when I was in recovery I remember being glad I was in more pain than the first. Pain to me in that moment meant more eggs, more chances for multiple embryos to make it to freezing and to someday become our children. Our embryologist came in and delivered the results. 8 follicles were removed, 6 mature. I was devastated. Here we were, back in the same situation from the first time. All those extra hormones and injections for what? We returned home and doubt that this would work took over. The recovery from this retrieval was way harder than the first. I was in so much pain, vomiting and unable to hardly move. Cory attended his grandmother’s calling hours while I stayed home with “food poisoning”. The only problem with that lie was that the food I had supposedly gotten it from, my mom had eaten the left overs. She would soon learn why she didn’t get sick too :). Friday we attended the funeral. I would try not to wince in pain as I sat, or show how tired I was as we stood around and shared stories. I remember telling Cory as we drove away from the church how strange it was to mourn the loss of such a beautiful life and also know that there is life being created in a lab made from the two of us. It was a hard a week to balance the emotions of loss and sadness as well as hope and excitement. On Sunday we learned that 5 eggs made it to day 3 and these were better quality than the first round. Ahhhh good news. They transferred 2 this time around and wouldn’t budge when we asked if we could please do 3. We also were hoping one of the ones they transferred could be our frozen embryo or “Baby Snow” as my sister in law Abby calls it. I never got a definitive answer as to why they wouldn’t let us transfer that one. Something about keeping it as back up. You would think with as much money as you are throwing at them they would let you make the calls :). Sunday started the long wait for results. We were given permission to travel and had planned on going to Florida for the weekend while Cory’s parents were going to be down there. It was a break we both needed and a trip I guarantee neither will forget. With the two week wait comes the lovely progesterone shots that I truly don’t mind and had actually become a nightly ritual that ended in laughter. But have you ever had to have a shot in your bottom while in the Atlanta Airport? Working for Delta I hoped that when I asked if there is somewhere we could go maybe they would let us use a private room of some sort. We were directed to the family restrooms. As we waited for bathroom I was so embarrassed that people would see two grown adults enter a family “private” restroom and what they assumed we would be doing in there if you are catching my drift. It was always my dream to walk into one of those restrooms with my box of needles and vials of progesterone and lean over the sink filled with nasty hair from the previous tenant as I awaited my shot. Now we were warned ahead of time of hitting blood vessels. 90% of the time you never hit one and Cory never had, until we were in the most unsanitary place we could be. The second Cory stuck me I felt the blood pour out, the problem with hitting a blood vessel is you have to pull the needle out and do it again. It was one of those situations where you couldn’t believe it was happening in such a place but you couldn’t help but laugh that it was all going down this way. After the shot ordeal was cleaned up and we did the walk of shame out of the private bathroom together we made it to our gate. I hadn’t eaten all day and decided when I saw someone with Jersey Mike’s bag. For those of you who do not know the holiness that is Jersey Mike’s I am sorry. Being the hormonal starving and at the time pregnant woman, I approached the woman holding the bag and asked her where she had gotten such delicious food. I returned to Cory notifying him that we must go and it was only two terminals away. (For those of you not familiar with the Atlanta airport that’s about a 10 minute trek) While our plane was minutes from boarding I convinced myself we had enough time since we would be seated last anyway. Cory being the man he is granted me my wish and away we went. I was so excited and so hungry and I remember walking up to get in line and it hitting me like a ton of bricks that I couldn’t have lunch meat (Jersey Mike’s is like subway except 10x better). It took everything in me to look at Cory and admit I had royally screwed up and I wasn’t paying $9 for a sub with only veggies on it. We scrambled to look for something else but Friday night, lines were long and our plane would leave without us if we didn’t get back fast. We decided to grab something when we arrived in Florida. We boarded our plane and as we sat there I noticed 2 of the upgraded seats were open. I can go into the logistics of why if no one was sitting there we should be but I won’t. So anyway, I will admit with these free travel privileges I definitely gotten spoiled when it comes to flying. I stared at the seats until the door had closed about to ask the flight attendant if we could move forward since I worked for the airline. Someone else in that section took the seats so they didn’t have to sit next to someone before I could ask the flight attendant. And here I am at almost 11pm, exhausted, emotional, and hungry and I lost it. I began to cry and it was so irrational and ridiculous and I knew that but it was my breaking point. And when I cried over a seat on a short flight I really knew I had married the right man. He was patient, and very gracious as I wiped tears from my eyes and he snickered at how ridiculous the situation but understanding of why I felt that way. Sorry for such a long story but it brings humor to our situation.

On Thursday October 22nd 2015 I went in for my pregnancy test. Cory being positive it worked and me knowing in my heart it didn’t. I had taken a pregnancy test that Monday and it was negative and I knew it wasn’t a false negative. The nurse told me they would call around 2pm with results. This time I was going to receive the call and hopefully surprise Cory. I was killing time in hopes it would fly by. I decided to stop in to see my dad and as I walked up their sidewalk at around 12:30pm I got the call, and she said the words I had wished I’d never hear again. It didn’t work and they didn’t know why. When the nurse sounded frustrated at the situation and confused why it wasn’t working I knew there was more than just what they had originally thought to be the issue. After two weeks I returned to the doctor with my mom by my side. We were informed that I have the eggs of a 37 year old and not those of a 23 year old. My heart sunk. There wasn’t much quality left in these little guys and the doctor informed us that there was nothing to do to change that. We were instructed that if we decided to do anymore IVF only 1 or 2 more procedures wise and any more than 4 treatments our chances would go down. Once again we weighed our possibilities and people tried to give answers of how to fix this. It was overwhelming to say the least. My mom researched effortlessly for some solution to fixing egg quality, which I found out is possible but some books expect you to live in a bubble in order to do so. As we approached the holiday season I felt my anxiety starting to come back. If our first round of IVF had worked, Thanksgiving would have been my due date which was a hard day to face after another failed round. We were planning on doing a frozen transfer starting at the end of November with a transfer at the beginning of January. I was presented with an opportunity to visit Luxembourg leaving January 3rd. I was torn between the hope of the frozen transfer and the opportunity of traveling to Europe. It was a selfish decision I needed to make and a breath of fresh air I knew I would need. We never proceeded with the frozen transfer.

Christmas was around the corner and I wished I could have just moved away for the month of December. I didn’t want to celebrate at all. In the midst of it all it seemed like many friends around us were losing their babies that they had carried for months, some to full term. My heart broke. I can’t imagine feeling the heartbeat, going through it all with the assurance that the outcome would be to bring home a baby only to walk away from the hospital empty handed. None were very close friends but I mourned for their losses throughout December and I struggled with the fairness of it all. I struggled with the possibility of me one day being pregnant, getting to that point and my baby not making it. December was a sad month. Throughout the month of December Cory and I have both been seeing a new doctor who uses more natural remedies to get the body to function properly and hopefully correct both issues. I’m not going to disclose much information at the moment only because I know many people will be opinionated in what we are doing and I’m not interested in those opinions for right now. Seeing our new doctor has nothing to do with not liking our old doctor. I love our fertility doctor and I know we will be back to see him to eventually do our frozen transfer someday. I think right now in our case we just need to get our bodies healthy again. The synthetic hormones I continued to pump into my body have taken its toll and I just have felt lousy from it all so we are trying some natural ways at the moment. The break to Europe has been an amazing experience and allowed me to step back and put everything into perspective. It has been a trip that has allowed me to process my thoughts and I got to talk to Tina about a lot of it and get some much needed wisdom and advice. Hopefully I will be able to update more often and see some progress with our new doctor. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for Cory and I and our future babies. Thank you to our friend who knew our secret, and who has financially allowed us to have had this opportunity.

Love,

Cory & Chrissy

 

 

March Update

Not much has changed since I wrote the last blog. We are still currently seeing our new doctor and we both love him. Cory got an updated test done today and we will know the results in about a week when Cory meets with the doctor. I have been feeling an extreme amount of peace about our situation. I don’t know if it is peace or if I have learned to live with the heartache. I still hate the subject of pregnancy and the thought of people getting to have their second and third and so on when I haven’t even gotten my first. Especially when I started trying long before their first arrived. It’s the jealousy of my heart and something God is working on inside of me. We’ve kept busy with lots house projects which helps keep our minds busy. Hopefully we will see some improvement in both of our fertility issues and have some good updates on the next blog post.

When Life Isn’t Fair.

I don’t know where to begin and to be honest I wish someone else was writing this post for me. It has taken me weeks to even begin to think of what to write. There is going to be sheer honesty in this post so if you are easily offended be prepared. March 17th competed for one of the most devastating days of our lives. What do you do when your world as you know it is shattered in one phone call?

We had plans. O I wish I could share with you the surprises we had planned, set up and ready to go to announce that we were pregnant, different ways to tell different friends and family. The test wasn’t supposed to be negative. All the odds were on our side. Our trouble of fertilizing an egg was fixed, we had 6 fertilized and ready to go, 6 babies that we created with the gracious help of science. In the matter of 3 days we lost 3 of those babies. You can argue whatever facts you want that it shouldn’t be a big deal that 3 of those fertilized eggs didn’t make it. I’ll reiterate our belief that life begins at conception; we had an will forever have the pain of losing 5 babies. Those are five little faces we never got to meet, five little people who never got to be named, 5 personalities we will never get to know. I don’t know how God does it in Heaven, but I believe they are up there, all 5 because they lived, short lives but they beat the odds; they made it if only for a short time.

I didn’t truly grieve the 3 we had lost until we had lost the 2 that they had implanted. Let me tell you about March 17th. There were only three people who actually new the day that we were finding out that day.  We told everyone it was the last week of March so we would have time to spread the news to close family and friends first and then be able to go public. When 100’s of people are following your pregnancy journey you lose part of the excitement factor. We had everything planned down to the last detail. We were taking our parents out for dinner that night, cards, presents and excitement ready to go. Let me reiterate the fact that we had full hope this was going to work. We had 2 our chances were fantastic, we didn’t see the option of it failing. You can call it naïve; I called it hopeful with no discretion.  There should have been discretion; there should have been a plan as to what we would do if the results were negative.  When we got the call, we left work and met up at home. The vows of marriage “for better, or for worse” came into play. This was one of the dark days of our marriage. We weren’t fighting, or arguing or even mad at each other but the depression that hit was unbelievably overwhelming. I can’t even describe the pain in your heart as you weep at the loss of what we thought we had.

The next couple of weeks brought tears on a daily basis.  I have learned people don’t know what to say so some say things that help and some say things and you wish they had just kept their mouths shut. I don’t mean this in the way of offending people because through this journey we have been overwhelmed by prayers and support and we know when people try to say something to make it better it is coming from the kindness of their heart. If you want to know what to not say to people going through this here it is:

  • God has a plan; you just have to wait to see what it is.
  • God knows the desires of your heart
  • You’ve got time you’re young
  • Are you sure you are doing it right?
  • You can always try again.
  • I know so many people that went through this and they just adopted and boom they got pregnant.
  • If you stop stressing about it, it will happen for you.
  • You haven’t tried that long, are you sure you need to be seeing professional help? I know people that tried for 5+ years.
  • Any mom that can get pregnant just by blinking at their husband or has never had trouble (sorry but you are the worst to hear advice from). Not because we don’t love you but because we envy your ability to end up pregnant every time you and your husband look at each other. You just don’t understand the desire, hurt, pain, and yearning that some of us have to go through to have kids. You don’t understand the monthly upset my Mother Nature slaps you in the face with proof once again that you are not pregnant.

Trust me the list goes on and on. Church answers are always the worst. While we appreciate all the advice and concern and we understand you are trying to say something to comfort us in a sad and awkward time, sometimes it’s better to just hug us, say you are praying for us and leave it at that. There are no words that heal the pain.  I could go into details about why each one of these is offensive or not helpful when you are going through this process but that isn’t what this post is about so I won’t.  While we get some weird advice, we’ve also gotten great advice. Friends who have been down this road that text and offer to talk if we ever need someone to talk to and family who acknowledges how fit you are to be parents, and how unfair it is that we can’t have babies and other people can. Being reminded that you are made to be a mom has been the biggest encouragement for me.

For now we go on with the continued support of friends and family. I would be lying if I said I wrote this post because my heart is healed and I can finally talk about it all. My heart will forever be broken over this; it just gets easier each day. Some days you forget you went through it, other days you find your baskets of needles and medication while you are putting your laundry away. Your husband so graciously put them in his closet, out of sight, so you didn’t have to be reminded on a daily basis of what you went through, and what you lost.

I have just recently begun to truly grieve for the little souls that we lost. At first it was a matter of this “science experiment” didn’t work. I got ahead of myself in the mindset of being hopeful without discretion. For Valentine ’s Day I went and painted pottery with two of my sister-in-laws (the hunting community finds the perfect night to host outdoorsman dinners) J Besides the point. We were painting pottery, and I was in the middle of a round of some of my shots, still hopeful that this process was going to work, not knowing what the next month had in store. I chose a cross. I painted it gray, with a teal blue accent. A color we had planned for the nursery, gender neutral in case we had twins, or triplets, or quads, seeing as those were all possibilities.  On the back read, Baby Miller 2015 (I was to be due on Thanksgiving of this year).  It also had the verse “For this child I prayed” 1 Samuel 1:27. Because I wanted our kid/kids to know how deeply they were longed and prayed for. March 17th came and went and this cross sat on our counter. Completed and painted, waiting to be hung with no nursery to be hung in. It sat for weeks until I couldn’t look at anymore. I was going to send the cross to someone who has gone through this journey, now as a little boy on the way and shares the same last name as us. I was going to, I talked about it, I got ready to send it and my heart couldn’t let go. I asked Cory’s mom about what I should do for the first time since we had lost the babies someone acknowledge the pregnancy. She said through tears we should keep it, there was a pregnancy, there were babies. That cross will forever hang on my wall. Since then I saw those 5 little eggs for what they were, our babies.

My mom told us since the first day that all 6 eggs fertilized that we would always be able to say that we were parents to 6, o how I wish I could have met you all. We still have hope for the last one, and we long for the day that we see that heartbeat on the screen. Since we had hope with no discretion everyone knew about the pregnancy, everyone knew about our journey. In some ways this is good, others it’s bad. When your 3 year old niece knows about it, at first it’s exciting.  Two of my sister-in-laws are pregnant, due any day now. For a 3 year old this is exciting. We were at my mom’s after our transfer. My brother stopped by with my niece, bouncing around wanting to play we explained to her why aunt Chrissy had to lay still. “There are two babies in my belly.” For her this was just great, TWO there’s TWO in there?!? I wish I knew what was going through her mind. Fast forward two months and you forget you told her, you forget the excitement she felt that she was getting two more cousins. You forget how well 3 year olds remember things, and how innocent their minds are until the question arises out of nowhere.  I can’t remember the exact way she said it but she asked something like this “Aunt Chrissy, how come you aren’t growing babies in your belly.” She put two and two together. We told her there were babies in there, and as she saw with her mom and aunt Hannah, their bellies got bigger, and mine didn’t.  O sweet child if only I could explain that to you. I said in the easiest explanation possible “Aunt Chrissy doesn’t have babies in her belly anymore.” She didn’t understand, one day she will but for now she doesn’t, and I am grateful for that innocence.

I could tell you story after story about how hard these past two months have been. How often I have gone back and forth from pitying our situation and also knowing there are people who have it worse. Please don’t think that I think this is the worst we could have it, believe me I’m grateful that our situation isn’t worse. We have time, we know that. That is everything is on hold, we need a break. I still find myself avoiding situations where I know it is going to be hard. I will forever regret that I didn’t make it to Hannah’s baby shower. There are things I wish I could take back, do differently. Time I wish I would have sucked it up and moved on and times I wish I would have called my best friends and let my feelings flood out. There are times when I have thought terrible things about people that can have babies that shouldn’t be able to, babies who get taken from their parents because they aren’t suitable. Why do they get to have babies and have them taken away when I want one and would be a great parent? Ella, one of the girls I nanny is constantly trying to make things just and fair. I love this about her because I was this type of child. She seeks justice and fairness in the house. Everyone always says life’s not fair, and I always just think of it as another saying. But every time Ella reminds me that something isn’t fair I try to make a point to explain to her that there are going to be times in life when someone gets something that maybe you deserved and they didn’t. Someone is always going to have something you think isn’t fair. My sweet Ella strive for justice but fairness does not exist.

One last thing before I end this post that is full of 2,000+ words of random thoughts and feelings. I’ll be the first to admit there is no flow or organization to this post, I wrote it how I thought it or it wouldn’t have gotten written. I wish I could have written papers in college this easily. Anyway my last thought of the night. I’m sorry to my friends and family that have gotten pregnant over the last year. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you like I should have been. I’m sorry I couldn’t ask all the exciting questions about how you are doing in your pregnancy and plans for the nursery, etc. I’m sorry I couldn’t feel your baby move and be excited. I’m sorry that when you called me to tell me the great news it wasn’t in joy but in tears of sadness that it was happening for you and not for me. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. I wish beyond any shadow of a doubt you understood the love and excitement I have for each of you and your new babies. My heart hurts, the excitement, the love, the joy I have for you it is all there under the heart. I’m sorry the hurt is what you have seen.

Thank you everyone for your love, support, prayers and encouragement the last couple of months. For anyone that needs to, I am always here to talk. I am an open book so if you have any questions please feel free to ask I would love to answer them. I don’t see myself posting on here often anymore since we are taking a break for awhile but when we do you’ll know on the blog.

Love,

Chrissy and Cory

Results

Yesterday did not turn out how it was suppose to. I’m going to keep this post short while my heart is still healing from the disappoint of this process. We did our blood work test yesterday to test for pregnancy. The nurse called me in the afternoon and I connected Cory on to the call. As soon as she said it our hearts dropped….negative. It was such a sure thing for us that we didn’t expect or plan for a negative result. Our chances were great and we had two babies to hopefully “double” our chances of getting one. Our hearts are broken and right now we are taking a break to recooperate. I wanted to let people know, so people are aware of where we are. We appreciate your prayers and support through this process. Right now my body is tired and worn out, and our emotions are all over. I was fine for awhile last night and then I had to put away the heating pad and meds and I lost it. Little things bring on the water works. I never thought I would be disappointed to stop a shot but it was just another reminder that those babies we were hoping for were no longer growing inside of me. We are ok though. As hard as it is we trust this is God’s plan. We are going to take some time out for us and catch up on life and travel together.  We get to welcome 3 new nephews/nieces  in May and July, so we are grateful for the gift of being an aunt and uncle and right now we will enjoy that time of our lives. I will try and write a note in depth post in the next couple of weeks but I wanted to inform our support system of the recent loss in our lives, it was truly one of the hardest days of our lives.

With Love,

Chrissy & Cory

First Baby Pictures!

Our first ultrasound of our babies. The little white dot at the tip of the arrow, that is the fluid around the embryos. They are so tiny but very mighty! Although this isn’t the ideal way to have a baby it definitely has its perks at some points. Not many people have a picture of the day their baby entered the womb (and I don’t think many people would want a picture of that happening the natural way :)), let alone outside of the womb under a microscope with their brothers and sisters! If we do get pregnant we get to have between 4-5 ultrasounds within the first trimester. We will get to hear the heartbeat(s) super early and watch the baby(ies) grow throughout the first 12 weeks.

Embryo Transfer Ultrasound

Embryos

All six embryos under the microscope. The two with the hearts next to them are the two they transferred. These two were grade 2, the other four are grade 3’s. The pictures make it easier to see the fragmentation I was talking about. We have been looking at the pictures often and we are still in shock of the miracles God is doing in our lives.

Transfer Day Part 2

Everything went well this afternoon. We are currently pregnant with two babies until they tell us otherwise. Right now we are praying for strength and growth for those two tiny embryos. I have been taking it easy and trying to force myself not to do much. I am suppose to be a “couch potato” for the next couple of weeks until we find out the blood results. It is going to take a lot for me to make myself relax as much as possible but the reason behind it should make it much easier. We currently still have 4 more embryos that are dividing well. They have mild fragmentation and for those of you that know what I’m talking about they are graded at a level 3, this is on a scale of 1-5. 1 being the best and 5 being the worst, so we are right in the middle. They are going to continue to watch them until Sunday or Monday and hopefully they will be able to cryopreserve (freeze) them to make more babies down the road 🙂 We are extremely excited about where we are. We already have fighters, and we are very anxious to see where we will be come the beginning of April.

I started the dreaded progesterone shots on Tuesday night. After some wise words I decided to not stress about it and take it as it came. Everyone handles pain and situations differently so I do not mean this in the sense that other people are wimps because they didn’t enjoy this shot. Tuesday night I decided to take the first shot without numbing with any ice or numbing pads just to see what I was dealing with. I didn’t feel a single thing. The next day I was a little sore but we realized it was because the lack of heat we put on afterwards. So far none have bothered me and I have little to no soreness the following day. I am very grateful for this because I know these shots are painful for a lot of people. I definitely don’t enjoy spending my evenings getting shot up on different sides of my butt, but I can definitely deal if it means a baby or babies in the end.

We have hunkered down for the weekend with some cozy blankets, netflix and redbox movies. We are giving these babies every chance they can get to grab ahold inside. We will try and keep you posted as things progress, but there won’t be many updates until we find out the results of the blood test. We are very grateful for our support system and the love and encouragement we have felt from everyone following our journey. Thank you all for you constant sweet words, love and prayers!

With Love,

Chrissy, Cory & Miller Embryos 1 & 2

Transfer Day!

Quick update. We got a call this morning saying all 6 of our eggs have made it to day 3 of progression. However some look better than others so they are going to transfer the two that they feel are the best at this moment. We are heading in at 11am this morning to transfer 2 eggs! They will allow the others to progress as they monitor their status. If they are still doing well on Sunday or Monday we will be able to freeze them for later use. With Love,

Chrissy & Cory